One more time

That's what I keep saying.  One more time you do this, one more time you do that, one more time I cry for 2 days and 2 nights, that's it, I have had it.  I can not keep going on like this.  Everyday it is the same thing ,nothing seems ever new to me, expect the seasons. 

In case you are wondering, does she go to counseling? Yes, does she try to do other things?  Yes, does she try to think positive at the beginning of the day? Yes, Does she pray, Yes, very often. 
I guess that this is what my life is going to entail.  I have been seeing a counselor for 6 years and still I can't get past the hurt, pain and the way life (my journey) has been going.  I was on anti-depressants, I am stopping them, not all at once, slowly, I am almost off them.  I know what the outcome would be if I didn't take time to cut back.  And you know, how could they be working, after 6 years with MCD and Anxiety Disorder and on meds.  and yes, I have tried a few, just nothing seems to be leveling this out.  So why keep taking something that just isn't working. 
When I think back to when all of this started I was actually feeling the best I have ever felt in my life.  I was at a great weight for me, I lost a lot of weight due to my sickness for those years, I went from a size XL to a size small.  I weighed about 128, the lowest in my life.  I was always overweight.  For me to be a size 8 was unheard of.  Now, I am back to my size, well, almost.  I just pulled my summer clothes out, I tried on my shorts, can't get them up over my hips, my shirts are tight and the others don't button.  So, I am thinking, great this is summer I look like shit.
Yesterday, after going through one bag, (huge), transferred them into another bag and some got donated.  I said to myself, OMG, nothing fits anymore.  I can't just trash them or give those beautiful clothes away, so I packed them up and swore I will throw them away if they don't fit by next summer.  And I have sworn to walk, walk and walk.   I used to walk all the time, everyday, Spring, Summer, Winter and Fall.  Weather wasn't a problem either, I just did it.  I used to think, "If someone ever told me, You can never walk again" I would just die.  Well, I went months this past winter and most of this Spring not walking, now I have started to walk and hike again, I actually like hiking in the woods it is more challenging.
Well, today is another day.  I sit here thinking what to do.  I am really going to try to make the best of today.  For myself.  I am not expecting any miracles, but, who knows, maybe its my turn to shine.
And, I hope I don't have to say that familiar saying of "One more Time", because, that one more time, turns into another 100.  if you know what I mean.